14 April 2009

Anonymous: YOU'VE BEEN ACCEPTED!

Congratulations! I am pleased to offer you admission to My University for the upcoming fall term. Your academic profile confirms that you are, like most of your classmates, appallingly ill prepared to cope with the rigours of higher learning, but we recognize that you didn’t get here alone. Rather than bemoaning the failures of your parents, teachers, and the intellectual collapse of society at large, we at MyU prefer to take a more constructive approach, teaching you fundamental academic skills that we know we shouldn’t have to teach you at this stage, but better late than never, don’t you think?

At MyU, your education begins with a reality check. We believe that early disillusionment is the key to our students’ success in the real world. Yes, we know you’ve been told since you were five that you can be anything you want to be when you grow up, and we think it’s fantastic that you’ve held on to your Olympic dreams along with your 10th place ribbon collection, but here at MyU, we are more concerned with your learning than your self esteem. If you need to be coddled, go back to kindergarten.

We believe that a spoon is an eating utensil, not a learning utensil. Learning requires thinking, and thinking requires that you actually do something more than occupy the seat. Assignments aren’t suggestions, deadlines aren’t negotiable, and no, we won’t tell you what to study for the final exam. Figure it out yourself. And while you’re at it, figure out how to manage your time so you don’t need to waste ours asking for a two day extension for that term paper you had eight weeks to write.

If you find you need help with that term paper, we are pleased to direct you to any one of the campus’ libraries. Remember the library? It’s that place with lots of books and trained professionals who can help you with your research. Why yes, you could just use Wikipedia, but you could also get an F. Your choice.

We pride ourselves on a grading system that still means something. At MyU, if you get an A, it means something. If you get an F, it also means something and we hope you get the message. We know you desperately want to get a degree and get on with your life, but we firmly believe that disguising your D effort in a B-plus isn’t going to change the fact that you haven’t learned enough to make it. If you don’t like it, try studying harder.

Here at MyU, we recognize that post-secondary education is expensive. Really expensive. And while we are deeply sorry that increasing tuition may jeopardize your plans to spend Reading Week drinking yourself stupid at an all-inclusive Mexican resort, we also wish to remind our students that simply paying your tuition will not guarantee that you learn anything. YOU still have to do that part for yourself. We don’t want you to waste your your parents’ money, but if you insist on wasting our time by not learning anything, we won’t feel bad about how much it costs.

At My University, we care about what you learn, not what you pay.

Welcome, and good luck! See you on campus!

PS...April Fools!

8 comments:

  1. I LOVE this!!! Had me grinning through the entire bit, saying what (I'm sure) many of us would love to be able to say right out loud, but don't, lest we offend the delicate sensibilities of those who have indeed been coddled into their fragile self esteem.

    Thumbs up!

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  2. Very funny, and sadly appropriate. A nice take on the fool, I enjoyed it.

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  3. I loved this simply because it is very true. The sense of entitlement that so many people feel nowadays is appalling and scholastic endeavours are not taken seriously enough.

    I really enjoyed this :>

    The part that made me laugh with glee was, "...we also wish to remind our students that simply paying your tuition will not guarantee that you learn anything. YOU still have to do that part for yourself. We don’t want you to waste your your parents’ money, but if you insist on wasting our time by not learning anything, we won’t feel bad about how much it costs."

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  4. This is hilarious! Definitely had me smiling the entire time. :) I got hung up on the double use of utensil, even though I typically like the use of repetition to accomplish what you're doing. That was the only place I stopped.

    Well done!

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  5. I quite enjoyed reading this! Funny and depressing, at the same time (because it's so true!). It's very well written, but almost too easy. What I mean is, it's more like a comedic rant than fiction. I can almost see it as a skit. It would be fun to see the person's face, who received such a letter in the mail...

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  6. NO!! No April Fools! That is the PERFECT mission statement for a University.

    And it was so well written. I was actually laughing out loud while reading it.

    This really was brilliant. I can't find a single thing negative about it.. WELL DONE!!

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  7. Dayum, that was awesome. That is a PERFECT example of what all universities should be telling their people. I'm totally tempted to send that around to my email circle and tell them it is real, then see if I still recognize it when it comes back to me. That is probably the most original thing I've read since I've been doing this flash fiction group.

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  8. First of all, apologies for not getting this posted sooner.

    Now then, it's all pretty much been said. Very apt. Very funny. Wish I could send this out to all the kids who've been getting their acceptance letters for college this month.

    The interesting thing about this is that your story's main character is the reader and thus involves them in a personal way that is not easy to achieve. I commend you for that.

    You need to look into some sort of industry publication that might be interested in this. (I'll take it down as soon as you tell me to, fwiw, so you can.) It's good to go, very FUNNY, and very much applicable to the majority of new college students.

    Bravo!

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